Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Master Cleanse - First Few Days

So this is Day 3 on the Master Cleanse. I decided I had to do it because I really wanted to quit smoking and because I eat like CRAP. Seriously. Saturday night, my last solid meal, was an entire pan of cheese fries and 3 slices of pepperoni pizza. So, I wanted to do the Master Cleanse for more of a fresh state, cleansing project and any weight loss would be more of a benefit. It's supposed to get rid of food cravings, nicotine cravings, caffeine cravings, improve skin/hair/energy levels, etc. It really seems magical and unbelievable when you read some of the claims. Fingers crossed it'll be true for me. I already have detox symptoms, which is really excellent.

Now to get a little more specific.

Day 1
Day 1 was not NEARLY as bad as I was expecting it to be. I really love food and think about it constantly (I'm already aware of this), but was not nearly as upset as I was expecting. Yes, I thought about food a lot, but no more than normal. I didn't take the laxative the night before because I was going to use some laxatives I already had in my medicine cabinet. But, they were expired. And, it turns out that you're only supposed to use herbal non-laxatives (like Smooth Move). I think this made the Salt Water Flush extra miserable and painful that morning.

Day 2
Day 2 was by far the worst for me. I was uncontrollably cold all day... I had to end up taking a steaming hot bath to even try to get warm for bed time. In the morning I had a white tongue (I somewhat suspect that's from all the lemons, not actually detoxing). The Salt Water Flush also took me forever to drink and made me feel horrible--incredibly bloated. Like if you were to chug a soda/beer and couldn't burp. It also caused me to eliminate for HOURS after when it should've only been 30-45 min after the first elimination. I was so hungry. I kept questioning, WHY in the world am I doing this? Quitting smoking has got to be easier than attempting this crap. My boy tried to offer me encouragement, but it fell upon deaf ears. I was so hungry, all day. I sat there and smelled a piece of pepperoni while I drank the lemonade mixture. I ended up licking it a lot and sucking on it just a bit. I cannot wait until I get past the hump day and can be productive. I spent the whole day thinking about food and being miserable.

Day 3
The last 2 mornings it's been really hard for me to get up. Maybe it's the lack of coffee? Maybe it's just I'm tired because my body is detoxing? Or maybe I'm not drinking enough of the mixture and not getting enough of the syrup? Who knows. I know I'm not drinking enough. The first day I probably only had 3 glasses. Yesterday I maybe had 5? I think you're supposed to drink between 6-10 each day. Whoops! I will attempt to drink more today. Also more water. I'm dehydrated and it's playing havoc with my weight. The first day I weighed 126.5. Then, yesterday, it dropped down to 125, but went up to 126. Today, after my first morning elimination, I weighed 122.5. After drinking (3/4 of) the salt water solution, I weighed 125. If I could lose 7 lbs in 10 days, that would be really awesome. It would be SO nice to be under 120 again. I'm sure I'd work hard to keep it off. I managed to work out Day 1, but Day 2 I was so grumpy I couldn't. This morning I feel pretty great and might work out for a bit before I get to studying! I also had solid waste elimination today which is incredible because it's been like 2.5 days since I've had solid food. Also, reminder to self and those who may attempt to try this-- DO NOT PASS GAS. I saw this warning on a blog and didn't take it to seriously... It MUST be taken seriously. It is not gas that comes out! Disgusting, but true.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Male Eating Disorders

So something I never understood fully is men who have weight problems, unless you know, they're on the wrestling team. Friends that were on the high school wrestling team are still irrevocably screwed up years later. But, other than that, most of my guy friends have had a very realistic grasp on their weight even if they thought they needed to lose pounds. The guy I'm currently seeing just doesn't eat. I don't get it! He just doesn't like food. It's not laziness as I know this is a huge reason why a lot of guys won't eat in college because they don't want to cook---I offer to make him food! Even if he felt like he was imposing, I make my own food and then try and shove it down his face. More or less.

He maybe eats 500 calories a day when he should be eating close to 2,000 (6' male who works out every day). And even so, those 500 calories are his bland scrambled eggs (not even pepper!) and plain toast that I shove down his throat. I don't get it.

Don't get me wrong I get extremely happy every time I think about how as I make him eat more, I eat less. But still. I worry about him and I don't know how to approach it. I feel hypocritical, but I just find it odd that straight males refuse food.


P.S. Male EDs is way to close to Male ED : (Male Eating Disorders | Male Erectile Dysfunction)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Rebound Cycle

So this is the pattern I happen---no, no. RUT is a much better term. I feel fat, go overboard, rebound and eat terribly to feel better, which makes me feel worse, so then I feel fat, go overboard, etc. I'm getting rather sick of this cycle. The worst part is I'm now hooking up with this kid who might as well have an eating disorder of his own and HATES food. I don't get it.

My plan is to secretly make him fat while I get skinny. It's perfect. I have the satisfaction of cooking, but really he is shoveling all of it into his mouth. Also, if I do want a bite... I can have a nibble without feeling like I'm wasting the food.

Regardless, this scale is about to go flying out the window. Seriously tempted by the idea. Starting Saturday, I'm going on the Master Cleanse diet. Actually, I might start the 17th. Do you really have to take laxatives during those 10 days? My body does not agree with laxatives at all...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm a Fat Monster, Rah Rah Rah

I've had at least 2-3 boyfriends who have referred to me as their "little monster". Do you know why? BECAUSE I EAT LIKE A DAMN MONSTER. My dad has said to me thousands of time since I was little: "You always were a good eater".

I swear, I'd bite my own hand if it got in the way of my food sometimes.

I go on these kicks, which I'm sure a lot of people would call a diet. It's not a diet, it's a damn disease. I have a problem with hyperfocusing, especially when it comes to food. I literally overeat and shovel food into my mouth to the point where I make myself sick. Truly sick. I've vomited literally just from eating too much a week and a half ago. Not self-induced; I just actually ate so much my body rejected it and this is NOT after eating lightly previously.

Or, I compulsively under-eat, I work out constantly, and walk around mostly nude to glare at myself in mirrors as I walk by. I set out food in front of me and just stare at it until I'm ready to throw it away. I jog in place while I watch anorexia documentaries and think "that girl isn't that skinny".

You know, it'd be nice to not have a love/hate relationship with food in my life. Yet, like ever other abusive and addictive thing, you gotta know that will never happen.

P.S. I really hate cats (and generally these types of pictures), but this picture is totally appropriate.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Wii Fit Calories Burned

So I've owned a Wii Fit since early January. When I first got it, I loved it and played on it all day. Sometimes, yes, breaking a little bit of a sweat. Anyways, I always assumed it's calorie count was low. So today I figured I'd strap on my HRM that I got for my birthday and actually see how many calories I'm burning just sort of messing around on the game.

Basically, my HRM told me I burned 333 calories after only starting to measure partway through my activities. The Wii told me all of my activities totaled to 241 calories.

I seriously couldn't believe this, but I found other people who've said the same thing. Pretty cool, pretty cool.

Monday, June 6, 2011

overeating

I've been overeating like no other. You know those frozen meals? I've been eating them like a snack lately. I made an entire batch of brownie mix the other day and have just been eating it uncooked. I'm gross. I'm a glutton. What is with me? Either I shovel so much into my mouth I get to the point where I make myself sick OR I get so crazy about counting calories I start stressing out whether a .05 oz will make a difference.

Am I seriously doomed to be this crazy about food for the rest of my life?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Basically, I Suck

So, what have I been up to? I was blogging a few times a day and I sort of fell off the face of the earth. April 28th was my 22nd birthday and then that following weekend was my sort-of-boyfriend's fraternity's away weekend. Then final exams pretty much started and then I had a mess related to moving. So I haven't blogged for a month... and managed to gain 6 lbs as well. I feel awful. I finally finished moving in to my new place, weighed myself, and wanted to die. My original goal was to have lost SEVERAL pounds by now as my ex-boyfriend who said he broke up with me because I was getting fat is arriving tonight for a wedding this weekend.

It's actually more of incentive not to have sex with him so he can't see me naked. A few pounds can be hidden in skirts and dresses, but my body looks awful when I'm nude right now. Disgusting. I'm so discouraged.

I'm taking summer classes. I should get into a routine for eating and waking up and what not.

I've been so inexplicably tired lately though. However, I'm hoping that if I start blogging again, I'll start losing weight again.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Hard Work

I ate like crap and didn't work out for two days. Was too stressed. I ate like a bird yesterday and worked out. I've also been up all night doing homework. It blowsssssss. Too tired to comprehend words right now and too busy too try

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Bad, Bad, Bad

So yesterday started out fine and dandy. I was CRAVING some sort of pasta/cheese combo, but managed to convince myself a caesar pita would be just as satisfying. It was. I had only had about 500 cals when I burned at least 500 doing 10 min trainer - cardio, Slim in 6 - Ramp it Up, Brazil Butt Lift - Bum Bum, & Brazil Butt Lift - Cardio Axe. Probably closer to 600. Which would have been awesome, but then I get this news.

And of course, I'm an emotional eater.

This boy, I'll call him CG, who I've been hooking up with (but would never date) invited some other girl to a fraternity thing. It was just a friend, and he wants to take me to the big deal one, the formal at the end of the semester, but I'm just annoyed. I mean, I took him to my sorority formal last weekend and this minor frat thing was two days ago. I'm whining, but mostly because I don't want to think about it enough to say anything that could even be considered profound.

Needless to say, I shoveled 7 popcorn chicken anytizers into my mouth and three portions (aka the ENTIRE BOX) of macaroni and cheese, which was about 380 calories a serving. Not wanting to have eaten in one hour which should've taken me days to eat, I felt so guilty I purged it all back up. It was really bizarre to try and quietly do this as my roommates were all around. I just took a shower at that time and probably ran the water a little longer than necessary.

But I was still feeling sorry for myself and ate 40% of a Gotta Have It from Coldstone, Chocolate Devotion. Yummmm. I also proceeded to dip chips into the chocolate ice cream and eat those. I finished the bag. Pathetic, I'm aware. I didn't purge this up because I was feeling so sorry for myself, I just plopped right into bed.

I don't understand, it's not that I'm that into CG because if I was I would try and date him. Something else has been going on with me. I've been sleeping in and missing classes non stop and instead of freaking out like I normally do, I really don't care.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

whatever...

I'm tired, stressed, and annoyed to boot. But I will keep up with the promises I've made to myself.

B: diet coke & caesar pita
L: junk / leftovers -> tortilla chips & chicken taco mix
D: grilled cheese
S: milk & cucumber (at different times, ew lol)

Consumed: 864 cals

Exercises: Slim in 6 - Ramp it Up & 10 min trainer - cardio
I skipped my Brazil butt lift stuff for the day... I feel bad, I will make it up Thursday though

Burned: 460 cals

Net: 1195 cals fewer than my weight maintenance + 460 burned cals = 1655 total calorie daily loss
Losing at about 8 oz daily, 3.3 lbs per week, & 14.2 monthly


On a random note, my scale said 126, 127.5, 124.5 on Sunday (separate weigh ins obviously). On Monday, it showed around 125 & 124, so I figured I'd shoot for the higher weigh-in. This morning it said 122.5... when I was in my workout clothes and shoes. I normally subtract a pound and a half for my shoes, so I didn't believe the reading... I stripped right there to weigh myself and sure enough, 121.0 lbs. I was 122.5 at the end of the night. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that scales fluctuate depending on what you eat, if you're dehydrated, the time of day, etc. But there's something wrong with my scale that would give a 6 lbs variance in two days. How annoying. I wonder what it will say tomorrow.

Triggers

I'm aware this post is an hour after my last, but that hour may have just screwed me. I think I mentioned in one of my posts I've struggled with eating "issues" my entire life? Well, signing back onto Blogger I was thinking to see if I could find some of the old blogs I used to read a year or two ago when I was losing weight. I didn't know if I would actually be able to find them or if they were still posting, but I was just curious... Obviously at that point in my life I wasn't eating, so I had to search through "Pro Ana Blogs" to see if I could find it.

I came across some very inspiring blogs that I just simply HAD to follow. Inspiring often equates to a trigger when you have a past rooted in similar thoughts.

I should go eat something to prove that my thought pattern did not change, but I'm pretty sure it did. How can an hour cause me to miss class to continue looking at thinspo when I was kicking myself earlier for accidentally oversleeping? I'm pretty sure overeating won't work now and I will just end up staring at the fridge, biting something and spitting it out, or waiting to eat until the roomies are gone and then that nasty cycle of purging. It's actually not that nasty.

The most bizarro part about having had some generalized eating disorder at one point in your life is that it never truly goes away. I act like I'm all recovered and normal right now... I haven't gone more than a couple of weeks without vomiting. Obsession about weight is always there and I go into fits of not eating, but of course that is balanced out by my love of food and desire to over eat. My roommates chuckle because I'm always "eating my feelings".

An eating disorder is ALWAYS there, whether people suspect it or not. People who look healthy are sometimes treating their bodies even worse.

The worst part is, I wonder how much of a trigger reading those blogs were and how much I really would be upset by "inspired effects".

Way to Disappoint



I'm already mad at myself. I went to get up at 8 again to work out and slept through my first class and have almost slept through my second class at 2. I cannot be more pissed at myself. Why must sleep be so addictive? I have yet to get out of bed and eat or exercise, but I found this pretty motivating:


It's from the Power 90 Diet Guide. With the MyNetDiary iPhone app on my phone it told me I had a deficit of 1691 calories, which is 8oz daily / 3.4 lbs each week / about 14.5 lbs monthly.

We'll see how I do today.

So Tired

I'm exhausted; it was a really long day. I woke up at 8 to start working out... was pretty much doing something important until 11. Was working out past midnight, but it wasn't a great workout because I'm so tired.

B: Kashi Go Lean + Fat Free Milk
L: Southwestern Egg White Omelet
D: Yogurt + Pretzels

Total Consumed: 956 cals  ( 34g Fat )

Exercises: Slim in 6 - Ramp it Up  |  Brazil Butt Lift - Bum Bum  |  10 Min Trainer - Cardio

Total Burned: 576 cals

Analysis: 1115 fewer cals than weight maintenance + 576 burned with activities = 1691 cals total daily calorie loss

Gotta get up at 8 to work out again.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Tight Dresses on "Normal" Girls

So, hopefully I am not embarrassing anyone, but I came across a picture today of a girl who is potentially around my weight (but I would predict skinnier) and is wearing a skin tight dress. I asked the guy I routinely hook up with about what guys think of this type of outfit on girls who have normal, athletic bodies and aren't twigs. He said he think it looks good. Perhaps, the girl in the photo to the side is just standing at an awkward angle and yadda yadda ya, but there are girls out there who are not fat, but then put on something skin tight that I think exaggerates their stomach or their butts and it doesn't look good. WHY? I mean I just don't get it. I'd rather wear something that's loose that will hide the curves I disapprove of or at least something that doesn't look like I painted it on. Am I being too harsh or am I just too conservative/boring? Even when I was skinny I never liked extremely tight things... even on girls who have zero curves I don't think it looks good. It's probably just me, isn't it?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Little Intro

I'm not sure how to begin. I've gone back and forth on creating a blog now for quite some time and I finally gave in. I've created a multitude of blogs over the past few years and without fail, the blogs well, fail. I get too busy to maintain it or I lose interest because I feel like I'm whining or I worry that this will somehow be tracked down to me and interfere with my "real" life or any other possible excuse. Two years ago I had a blog and it successfully helped me lose around 10 pounds in a month, although probably not in the healthiest of ways.

I was eating about 300 calories a day, if that. I was chewing and spitting and purging if I thought I had accidentally swallowed too much. I remember being incredibly sick when I did start eating normally, which only made me more convinced that food was the enemy at the time.

This isn't a pro-ana blog, this isn't a recovery blog, this is just a thoughts blog.

My weight has always been in the forefront of my thoughts. My sister and my mom are both... troubled in the mental department when it comes to food and I am no exception to this family curse. I have bouts of eating next to nothing, punctuated by month long binges... My roommates are appalled by my infamous "Fat Wrap". I slather together cheese, bacon, french fries, mozzarella sticks, ranch, and fried chicken fingers together into a wrap. At 5'1" or 5'2", one of these Fat Wraps is probably more than the caloric recommendations for two days.

But, this is not a food porn blog either. I do have a problem with the over-eating/under-eating cycle, but I'm trying to completely change my habits. Over the last few months I've started to eat better and have tested out a few of the workout programs that BeachBody has developed.

So, I will set some goals:

  • Weigh 115 lbs or less by June
  • Weigh under 110 lbs by the end of the summer
  • Weigh under 105 lbs by Halloween
  • Weigh under 100 lbs by the end of the year
  • A food binge must only happen at most ONE day in a row
  • Cannot go more than 3 days without working out without an EXTREMELY valid excuse
  • To not use "too much work" as an excuse to not work out
  • To not use "too tired" as an excuse to not work out before 11 pm
  • To adhere as much as physically possible to my crazy exercise schedules
  • Spend more time following a workout calendar than making it
  • Always eat some type of breakfast
  • Never consume more than 2,000 calories without a valid excuse
  • No binge drinking
  • Avoid ordering out at all costs
  • To remember not to be too strict
  • To be able to run around the lake in a sports bra comfortably by the end of the summer
  • Go to the pool all summer without feeling self conscious
  • Fit into size 0 jeans