I'm a Fat Monster, Rah Rah Rah

I've had at least 2-3 boyfriends who have referred to me as their "little monster". Do you know why? BECAUSE I EAT LIKE A DAMN MONSTER. My dad has said to me thousands of time since I was little: "You always were a good eater".

I swear, I'd bite my own hand if it got in the way of my food sometimes.

I go on these kicks, which I'm sure a lot of people would call a diet. It's not a diet, it's a damn disease. I have a problem with hyperfocusing, especially when it comes to food. I literally overeat and shovel food into my mouth to the point where I make myself sick. Truly sick. I've vomited literally just from eating too much a week and a half ago. Not self-induced; I just actually ate so much my body rejected it and this is NOT after eating lightly previously.

Or, I compulsively under-eat, I work out constantly, and walk around mostly nude to glare at myself in mirrors as I walk by. I set out food in front of me and just stare at it until I'm ready to throw it away. I jog in place while I watch anorexia documentaries and think "that girl isn't that skinny".

You know, it'd be nice to not have a love/hate relationship with food in my life. Yet, like ever other abusive and addictive thing, you gotta know that will never happen.

P.S. I really hate cats (and generally these types of pictures), but this picture is totally appropriate.

Wii Fit Calories Burned

So I've owned a Wii Fit since early January. When I first got it, I loved it and played on it all day. Sometimes, yes, breaking a little bit of a sweat. Anyways, I always assumed it's calorie count was low. So today I figured I'd strap on my HRM that I got for my birthday and actually see how many calories I'm burning just sort of messing around on the game.

Basically, my HRM told me I burned 333 calories after only starting to measure partway through my activities. The Wii told me all of my activities totaled to 241 calories.

I seriously couldn't believe this, but I found other people who've said the same thing. Pretty cool, pretty cool.

overeating

I've been overeating like no other. You know those frozen meals? I've been eating them like a snack lately. I made an entire batch of brownie mix the other day and have just been eating it uncooked. I'm gross. I'm a glutton. What is with me? Either I shovel so much into my mouth I get to the point where I make myself sick OR I get so crazy about counting calories I start stressing out whether a .05 oz will make a difference.

Am I seriously doomed to be this crazy about food for the rest of my life?

Basically, I Suck

So, what have I been up to? I was blogging a few times a day and I sort of fell off the face of the earth. April 28th was my 22nd birthday and then that following weekend was my sort-of-boyfriend's fraternity's away weekend. Then final exams pretty much started and then I had a mess related to moving. So I haven't blogged for a month... and managed to gain 6 lbs as well. I feel awful. I finally finished moving in to my new place, weighed myself, and wanted to die. My original goal was to have lost SEVERAL pounds by now as my ex-boyfriend who said he broke up with me because I was getting fat is arriving tonight for a wedding this weekend.

It's actually more of incentive not to have sex with him so he can't see me naked. A few pounds can be hidden in skirts and dresses, but my body looks awful when I'm nude right now. Disgusting. I'm so discouraged.

I'm taking summer classes. I should get into a routine for eating and waking up and what not.

I've been so inexplicably tired lately though. However, I'm hoping that if I start blogging again, I'll start losing weight again.