Sunday, April 24, 2011

Hard Work

I ate like crap and didn't work out for two days. Was too stressed. I ate like a bird yesterday and worked out. I've also been up all night doing homework. It blowsssssss. Too tired to comprehend words right now and too busy too try

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Bad, Bad, Bad

So yesterday started out fine and dandy. I was CRAVING some sort of pasta/cheese combo, but managed to convince myself a caesar pita would be just as satisfying. It was. I had only had about 500 cals when I burned at least 500 doing 10 min trainer - cardio, Slim in 6 - Ramp it Up, Brazil Butt Lift - Bum Bum, & Brazil Butt Lift - Cardio Axe. Probably closer to 600. Which would have been awesome, but then I get this news.

And of course, I'm an emotional eater.

This boy, I'll call him CG, who I've been hooking up with (but would never date) invited some other girl to a fraternity thing. It was just a friend, and he wants to take me to the big deal one, the formal at the end of the semester, but I'm just annoyed. I mean, I took him to my sorority formal last weekend and this minor frat thing was two days ago. I'm whining, but mostly because I don't want to think about it enough to say anything that could even be considered profound.

Needless to say, I shoveled 7 popcorn chicken anytizers into my mouth and three portions (aka the ENTIRE BOX) of macaroni and cheese, which was about 380 calories a serving. Not wanting to have eaten in one hour which should've taken me days to eat, I felt so guilty I purged it all back up. It was really bizarre to try and quietly do this as my roommates were all around. I just took a shower at that time and probably ran the water a little longer than necessary.

But I was still feeling sorry for myself and ate 40% of a Gotta Have It from Coldstone, Chocolate Devotion. Yummmm. I also proceeded to dip chips into the chocolate ice cream and eat those. I finished the bag. Pathetic, I'm aware. I didn't purge this up because I was feeling so sorry for myself, I just plopped right into bed.

I don't understand, it's not that I'm that into CG because if I was I would try and date him. Something else has been going on with me. I've been sleeping in and missing classes non stop and instead of freaking out like I normally do, I really don't care.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

whatever...

I'm tired, stressed, and annoyed to boot. But I will keep up with the promises I've made to myself.

B: diet coke & caesar pita
L: junk / leftovers -> tortilla chips & chicken taco mix
D: grilled cheese
S: milk & cucumber (at different times, ew lol)

Consumed: 864 cals

Exercises: Slim in 6 - Ramp it Up & 10 min trainer - cardio
I skipped my Brazil butt lift stuff for the day... I feel bad, I will make it up Thursday though

Burned: 460 cals

Net: 1195 cals fewer than my weight maintenance + 460 burned cals = 1655 total calorie daily loss
Losing at about 8 oz daily, 3.3 lbs per week, & 14.2 monthly


On a random note, my scale said 126, 127.5, 124.5 on Sunday (separate weigh ins obviously). On Monday, it showed around 125 & 124, so I figured I'd shoot for the higher weigh-in. This morning it said 122.5... when I was in my workout clothes and shoes. I normally subtract a pound and a half for my shoes, so I didn't believe the reading... I stripped right there to weigh myself and sure enough, 121.0 lbs. I was 122.5 at the end of the night. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that scales fluctuate depending on what you eat, if you're dehydrated, the time of day, etc. But there's something wrong with my scale that would give a 6 lbs variance in two days. How annoying. I wonder what it will say tomorrow.

Triggers

I'm aware this post is an hour after my last, but that hour may have just screwed me. I think I mentioned in one of my posts I've struggled with eating "issues" my entire life? Well, signing back onto Blogger I was thinking to see if I could find some of the old blogs I used to read a year or two ago when I was losing weight. I didn't know if I would actually be able to find them or if they were still posting, but I was just curious... Obviously at that point in my life I wasn't eating, so I had to search through "Pro Ana Blogs" to see if I could find it.

I came across some very inspiring blogs that I just simply HAD to follow. Inspiring often equates to a trigger when you have a past rooted in similar thoughts.

I should go eat something to prove that my thought pattern did not change, but I'm pretty sure it did. How can an hour cause me to miss class to continue looking at thinspo when I was kicking myself earlier for accidentally oversleeping? I'm pretty sure overeating won't work now and I will just end up staring at the fridge, biting something and spitting it out, or waiting to eat until the roomies are gone and then that nasty cycle of purging. It's actually not that nasty.

The most bizarro part about having had some generalized eating disorder at one point in your life is that it never truly goes away. I act like I'm all recovered and normal right now... I haven't gone more than a couple of weeks without vomiting. Obsession about weight is always there and I go into fits of not eating, but of course that is balanced out by my love of food and desire to over eat. My roommates chuckle because I'm always "eating my feelings".

An eating disorder is ALWAYS there, whether people suspect it or not. People who look healthy are sometimes treating their bodies even worse.

The worst part is, I wonder how much of a trigger reading those blogs were and how much I really would be upset by "inspired effects".

Way to Disappoint



I'm already mad at myself. I went to get up at 8 again to work out and slept through my first class and have almost slept through my second class at 2. I cannot be more pissed at myself. Why must sleep be so addictive? I have yet to get out of bed and eat or exercise, but I found this pretty motivating:


It's from the Power 90 Diet Guide. With the MyNetDiary iPhone app on my phone it told me I had a deficit of 1691 calories, which is 8oz daily / 3.4 lbs each week / about 14.5 lbs monthly.

We'll see how I do today.

So Tired

I'm exhausted; it was a really long day. I woke up at 8 to start working out... was pretty much doing something important until 11. Was working out past midnight, but it wasn't a great workout because I'm so tired.

B: Kashi Go Lean + Fat Free Milk
L: Southwestern Egg White Omelet
D: Yogurt + Pretzels

Total Consumed: 956 cals  ( 34g Fat )

Exercises: Slim in 6 - Ramp it Up  |  Brazil Butt Lift - Bum Bum  |  10 Min Trainer - Cardio

Total Burned: 576 cals

Analysis: 1115 fewer cals than weight maintenance + 576 burned with activities = 1691 cals total daily calorie loss

Gotta get up at 8 to work out again.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Tight Dresses on "Normal" Girls

So, hopefully I am not embarrassing anyone, but I came across a picture today of a girl who is potentially around my weight (but I would predict skinnier) and is wearing a skin tight dress. I asked the guy I routinely hook up with about what guys think of this type of outfit on girls who have normal, athletic bodies and aren't twigs. He said he think it looks good. Perhaps, the girl in the photo to the side is just standing at an awkward angle and yadda yadda ya, but there are girls out there who are not fat, but then put on something skin tight that I think exaggerates their stomach or their butts and it doesn't look good. WHY? I mean I just don't get it. I'd rather wear something that's loose that will hide the curves I disapprove of or at least something that doesn't look like I painted it on. Am I being too harsh or am I just too conservative/boring? Even when I was skinny I never liked extremely tight things... even on girls who have zero curves I don't think it looks good. It's probably just me, isn't it?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Little Intro

I'm not sure how to begin. I've gone back and forth on creating a blog now for quite some time and I finally gave in. I've created a multitude of blogs over the past few years and without fail, the blogs well, fail. I get too busy to maintain it or I lose interest because I feel like I'm whining or I worry that this will somehow be tracked down to me and interfere with my "real" life or any other possible excuse. Two years ago I had a blog and it successfully helped me lose around 10 pounds in a month, although probably not in the healthiest of ways.

I was eating about 300 calories a day, if that. I was chewing and spitting and purging if I thought I had accidentally swallowed too much. I remember being incredibly sick when I did start eating normally, which only made me more convinced that food was the enemy at the time.

This isn't a pro-ana blog, this isn't a recovery blog, this is just a thoughts blog.

My weight has always been in the forefront of my thoughts. My sister and my mom are both... troubled in the mental department when it comes to food and I am no exception to this family curse. I have bouts of eating next to nothing, punctuated by month long binges... My roommates are appalled by my infamous "Fat Wrap". I slather together cheese, bacon, french fries, mozzarella sticks, ranch, and fried chicken fingers together into a wrap. At 5'1" or 5'2", one of these Fat Wraps is probably more than the caloric recommendations for two days.

But, this is not a food porn blog either. I do have a problem with the over-eating/under-eating cycle, but I'm trying to completely change my habits. Over the last few months I've started to eat better and have tested out a few of the workout programs that BeachBody has developed.

So, I will set some goals:

  • Weigh 115 lbs or less by June
  • Weigh under 110 lbs by the end of the summer
  • Weigh under 105 lbs by Halloween
  • Weigh under 100 lbs by the end of the year
  • A food binge must only happen at most ONE day in a row
  • Cannot go more than 3 days without working out without an EXTREMELY valid excuse
  • To not use "too much work" as an excuse to not work out
  • To not use "too tired" as an excuse to not work out before 11 pm
  • To adhere as much as physically possible to my crazy exercise schedules
  • Spend more time following a workout calendar than making it
  • Always eat some type of breakfast
  • Never consume more than 2,000 calories without a valid excuse
  • No binge drinking
  • Avoid ordering out at all costs
  • To remember not to be too strict
  • To be able to run around the lake in a sports bra comfortably by the end of the summer
  • Go to the pool all summer without feeling self conscious
  • Fit into size 0 jeans