Triggers

I'm aware this post is an hour after my last, but that hour may have just screwed me. I think I mentioned in one of my posts I've struggled with eating "issues" my entire life? Well, signing back onto Blogger I was thinking to see if I could find some of the old blogs I used to read a year or two ago when I was losing weight. I didn't know if I would actually be able to find them or if they were still posting, but I was just curious... Obviously at that point in my life I wasn't eating, so I had to search through "Pro Ana Blogs" to see if I could find it.

I came across some very inspiring blogs that I just simply HAD to follow. Inspiring often equates to a trigger when you have a past rooted in similar thoughts.

I should go eat something to prove that my thought pattern did not change, but I'm pretty sure it did. How can an hour cause me to miss class to continue looking at thinspo when I was kicking myself earlier for accidentally oversleeping? I'm pretty sure overeating won't work now and I will just end up staring at the fridge, biting something and spitting it out, or waiting to eat until the roomies are gone and then that nasty cycle of purging. It's actually not that nasty.

The most bizarro part about having had some generalized eating disorder at one point in your life is that it never truly goes away. I act like I'm all recovered and normal right now... I haven't gone more than a couple of weeks without vomiting. Obsession about weight is always there and I go into fits of not eating, but of course that is balanced out by my love of food and desire to over eat. My roommates chuckle because I'm always "eating my feelings".

An eating disorder is ALWAYS there, whether people suspect it or not. People who look healthy are sometimes treating their bodies even worse.

The worst part is, I wonder how much of a trigger reading those blogs were and how much I really would be upset by "inspired effects".